"Hey, I saw Amber* the other day."

"Oh rly? How was she?"

"Well. Great, actually. She washed her hair. She looks really pretty with clean hair."

"I like her unwashed hair."

"I don't, it just makes her look scrappy. You know, I very nearly said to her 'wow, you look so nice with clean hair,' but for once my mental filter worked and I didn't."

"Yeah. That would have been really bitchy."

"I didn't mean it in a bitchy way. She looked great. Radiant. It made me wonder if she didn't realise that her usual unwashed, stringy hair makes her look like ass on rat."

"I think she's gorgeous, anyway."

"Meh. I wouldn't rate her. It's not just the unwashed hair thing, it's the slouching."

"Well, she's quite tall."

"It doesn't matter. Is it some hipster thing to feign some freakish lack of muscle along your spine? It drives me mental, actually."

"..."

"So don't be surprised if the next time we're out and she's there and we're all drinking I just seize her by the shoulders and do this.

I put one hand on the shoulder of an imaginary person in front of me, and the other on an imaginary hip. I vigorously pull the imaginary sloucher upright. Lala is listening in the kitchen.
LALA
"And now for the restraining order..."


* name changed, naturally, to protect the innocent.