I am contemplating the purchase of a new bottle of smelly water to mask the scent of my profane and stinky body. Which one should I choose? The contenders are:


Commes des Garcons White, which smells like old books, photocopy toner and authority in a most pleasing way.


Agent Provacateur, which is floral and spicy in a way that tickles the upper sinus pleasantly, but nowhere near as slutty as the name and kinky pink bottle suggests. And don't get me started on their asexual and rose-laden scent Maitresse, the one with the naked woman on the bottle, that makes you smell like an elderly turkish delight.

and


Viktor & Rolf Antidote, which, well, let's put it this way. If you put a young Michael York (think Cabaret, or Logan's Run) in a Fair Isle sweater, gave him a cup of Earl Grey, then squeezed him to extract his most vital juices, it would smell like this. I think this is a good thing. Also, the Google image search revealed this very charming image of men waltzing with other men in tuxedos, and I rather want to encourage such things.



To provide context, I usually wear Mitsouko by Guerlain every day, and have done so for so long I can't even smell it. I do this as a kind subconscious terrorism. I want to be able to 'smell like' something, so that when my nearest and dearest smell that thing they can't help but think of me. I augment this with Viktor & Rolf Flower Bomb, so the honey-sweet, oozing floral category is already filled.

As an aside, Transformers was as totally rad as a big, retarded action film about giant transforming robots can be expected to be. The casting was as implausible and wooden as the dialogue. A robot pissed on someone. Some orange-coloured, shiny Australian woman asked if someone could 'hot wire a computer.' It made me happy. Then again, I think I'm becoming rather plebeian in my old age. The other day my only contribution to a discussion about Julie Dash's Daughters of the Dust was to pithily remark that it was 'totally gay.'