BLOCKHEAD
Anne Heche* is looking quite fat.

ME
You reckon?

BLOCKHEAD
Yeah. She's all heavy around the middle. When she sits up she looks like an overripe pear.

MUM
I wonder if she's pregnant.

BLOCKHEAD
Oh, no, she can't be.

ME
You mean she's not desexed?

MUM
We have no idea.

BLOCKHEAD
I thought she had a tattoo in her ear but it was just dried blood.

MUM
Oh God, could you imagine?

ME
Her kittens would be batshit crazy.

MUM
I know.

ME
I mean seriously crazy. You'd have to put them all on ritalin as soon as they came out.

BLOCKHEAD
Rachael, I am not giving Anne Heche's kittens ritalin.

ME
Why not?

BLOCKHEAD
It's not good for growing young minds.

MUM
You know I couldn't give them away.

BLOCKHEAD
Mum, we already have four cats. it's not legal to have that many.

MUM
I know. I don't care.

ME
You know that would make you an actual crazy cat lady, right?

MUM
I'm at peace with that.

ME
The man would come to check the meter box and you'd chase him away by hurling cats.

MUM
Well, perhaps Blockhead's boyfriend's much-loved younger sister would like one? No, wait a minute, that wouldn't be a good idea.

ME
Why not?

MUM
She has Down's syndrome and might be a bit rough with the little cat. Kittens are quite fragile, you know.

ME
You can't be serious.

MUM
Perhaps she could have a more robust pet.

ME
Mum, even Koko the gorilla was allowed a kitten. Are you saying Blockhead's boyfriend's much-loved younger sister is less responsible than a gorilla?

MUM
Perhaps she could have a pig.

The conversation didn't end there, but you get the idea.

* Otherwise known as my sister's cat. Anne Heche is not her real name, just an apt one. I don't know why I'm protecting the identity of a cat, but this cat is truly crazy. She just showed up one day and stayed. She likes Blockhead a lot. Indeed, she never leaves Blockhead's room and gets very distressed when my sister goes away. I get the impression she would very much like the rest of us to die. If my mother and sister ever come home to find this cat hunkered down in a jerry-rigged fort beneath the dining room table frantically fashioning a tin foil hat I wouldn't be at all surprised.

Also, I do not like writing abstracts, no sir, I do not, and I now have a nice clean uni email account to prove it.