So I'm putting in the effort to buy organic fruit and veg. Not because I think a lack of pesticides is somehow better for me; indeed, I believe a liberal helping of organophosphates in my youth is what made me the robust, rosy-cheeked adult I am now. It's more that organic farming is better for the environment, and conditions for workers are meant to be better on organic farms, and I buy all my fruit and veg from the (frankly, rather skeevy) Vic Markets, so it seems churlish to avoid the organic shed. Also, organic stores tend to have more interesting potatoes. It's a win win situation, you'd think.

There are, of course, a few drawbacks to buying organic. It is very expensive, but that doesn't really phase me as I'm the kind of person who always, always has asparagus and avocado in the fridge, regardless of price, and I frequently drop $7 on a punnet of blueberries just for the walk home. The biggest drawback is sanctimonious fucking hippies. Hippies and I share a deep antipathy. Don't get me wrong, I can be just as self-righteous and moralising as any hippie, but the difference is I'm right and they're deluded pot smokers with ugly shoes. So I don't take it well when the shopkeep serves up my kale and eggplants with a side order of lecture. The other day I made a mild comment about carrying my bags of chemical-free goods home, and the stall holder snitted: 'You know, walking while carrying weight increases your bone density.'

'Oh, I reckon I'll be right,' I replied, jaw tightening. 'I don't have a car and I walk everywhere.'

'Yeah, but you've got to keep it up,' he continued. 'Every day. All your life, otherwise your bones will get brittle. Again.'

I had a brief fantasy of violently sodomising the man with a biodynamic kohlrabi, but thought better of it when I realised it would lead to a lecture on the importance of colon cleansing.

On the way out I stopped by a good, old fashioned chemical-laden market stall for some cheap strawberries to be baked with my organic rhubarb. The man politely asked what I would be using the strawberries for, then offered some helpful advice on how to keep strawberries for longer (you take them out of the punnet and put them on a plate lined with a paper towel). He then wished my forthcoming crumble well and told me to have a good day.

Fucking hippies.