I went lap swimming the other day for the first time in months. It felt good but I have no lung capacity left, each lap left me gasping. Why do I do something that makes it hard to breathe just so I can have an excuse to hold my hand to my face when I'm nervous, so I can have a gesture to punctuate time, start conversations with?

Afterwards I met up with some friends. Out of habit my heart rose to my throat when I walked to meet them because I didn't have much to say, my hair smelled of chlorine, things with some people have been strained and with others they've been fading away. Someone asked me for a cigarette. I obliged and had one myself.

(I haven't written anything for months and months. There's a lot in my head but on the page it all becomes that sad mantra, 'I haven't written anything, I haven't written anything.')